Monday, December 7, 2009
It's raining! I'm so glad I don't have to water!.....my plants are looking starved for REAL nourishment and so am I, maybe the dry spell is over. But alas, just so you know, I'm crawling my way into some serious Christmas spirit. I hung our impossibly tangled white Icicle lights (whose stupid idea was it to put them away like that!?....oh....never mind) off the gutters along the second story catwalk on our otherwise unadorned, modestly un-blinged abode. I realized AFTER I swung myself out and around the corner of our second story window.... trying to gain a foothold on the too narrow pine needle strewn ledge... that I was wearing my good 'NYDJ Tummy Tuck Jeans'! (Don't judge me) You know what I'm talkin about....'made for real women with real curves'. It says so right inside the waistband...in perky red thread.....exactly where I deposit my secret Peppermint Crunch Junior Mints (just in time for the holidays) saturated curvaceous self. "Dammit", I say in my best Napoleon Dynamite voice, "if I fall off this roof and do a face plant onto the hood of the Highlander parked below, it's gonna get ugly!" An instant visual comes to mind....flashing lights, the youthful pudgy faced, slightly balding, ex-Cookie Crock box boy, turned EMT, cutting off my impossible to replace, cotton spandex, muffin loving, sell my body for (okay okay...maybe my slimmer, more disciplined, twin sisters' body...shhhh...don't tell her, kay?) favorite pair of pants in order to re-set my broken limbs. And then he sees the label...NYDJ TUMMY TUCK JEANS and oh how I wish I'd worn better underwear, less useful more pretty. Mental note to self... "Do Not Lose Balance,old grasshopper!" It takes what seems like hours to untangle and hang a foot of Christmas cheer. I see Jim below with his string of lights....he's already covered the bushes on one side of the driveway...."oh so what, the view up here is worth it, yea... that's right!" It's a crisp blustery day, with promising gray watery clouds casting interesting shapes and shadows on the foothills nearby. "So what if I shred the knees of my pants on the rough asphalt...this is f#@*ing festive!" I stand up to advance further down the ledge when I realize there is what looks like a crab attached to the outside of our living room window....."Holy Crap!"... what is that crustacean doing up here!? Whaaaa?....then the realization hits me, that's no arthropod!..... that's a too big for it's own good, sad bastard spider. Half tucked in under the window frame... the other half exposing what looks like a beige speckled, nickel sized shell, sprouting thick hairy legs, and culminating in what can only be described as small, glossy black, club feet. What surprises me more is my lack of hysteria....honestly....I hardly recognize myself! Maybe the aversion training in Arizona has paid off...huh? I yell to Jim, "take a look!", he's down the driveway but can still make it out. "Geeez knock it down! I'll hand up the broom"... bwa ha ha ha, there isn't enough room up here for the two of us I reckon........and the line "two men enter one man leave" comes to mind. I even see myself as sort of a bad ass Tina Turner. I realize, I'm not even close to jumping off the roof! I happily.....okay, I might look over my shoulder a couple times... finish stringing the lights in earnest til it's done. Later, around midnight when I take Mocha out for one last whiz around the yard, I admire the sparkling lights from the street and think...."Damn, those folks are festive!" and if I look really close I can just make out a crab-like shadow closing in on an unsuspecting moth caught in an elaborate web reflecting the snow white light of my Christmas labors. Happy Holidays!
I was born a twin, although I was the first one to appear, so maybe that makes me the normal one. Anyway, my mother was fond of Toni perms in the 50's and thought our straight blond hair could reap the benefits of that products curly promises......questionable! The hair solution was so nasty all the windows and doors had to be opened, any food product left out on a counter had a slight mystery flavor, the cat stayed outside for a week. And the end result...well, my twin and I refer to that period as the "duelling Bozo's"
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